© 2018 by Beth Proudfoot, LMFT

License Number MFT19708

Tel: (408) 351-1044 ext.1


Divorce with the End in Mind

Divorce with the End in Mind


I think of divorce as a journey from HERE, a marriage and a family which is familiar if not perfect, to THERE, a place which is now unknown and perhaps unimagined. For many people at the beginning of this journey, the trail looks like a rickety rope bridge across a deep chasm, with the far cliff hidden by fog. Scary!


It’s not just about fear, though. At the beginning of this process, while you are at the edge of the cliff looking at the chasm below, there can be other big emotions swirling around your survival brain: grief, guilt, betrayal, mistrust, helplessness.


We know from both science and experience that when we are feeling strongly we make the poorest decisions. And this is really too bad, because it’s here at the beginning of the trip, when your emotions are reeling, that you will make your most important choices: HOW to cross this bridge, and WHO to hire as your guides.


To make these decisions, I invite you to imagine the end of your journey, that far cliff now hidden by fog. In ten years, how do you want your kids to look back on your divorce? What do you want to be able to tell yourself and others about how you navigated the trip?


If you find yourself stuck in fantasies of revenge, take some breaths and work on finding your inner wisdom. This is my experience from watching many, many divorces unfold: when someone feels like they “won,” everybody has actually lost…especially the children. I say this with the caveat that If your former spouse is dangerous, if he or she is abusive, by all means find yourself a good lawyer and use a litigated process which includes court orders to protect yourself and your children.


If, on the other hand, you know in your heart of hearts that your ex is not evil, and you want to look back from the other side at that rope bridge you have just crossed and see that you navigated the journey with respect, courage, wisdom and integrity, I would be honored to be your guide. I have personal experience crossing the bridge for the first time in my own divorce and have stood shoulder to shoulder with many amazing men and women as they have found strength they didn’t know they had and overcome every obstacle in their paths.


For couples who have chosen a collaborative divorce, I act as a Communications Coach or Child Specialist. For couples who have chosen mediation as their process but want a parenting expert to help with their custody plan, I can also act as a Parenting Plan Mediator. For parents who want to step up their game, or who are challenged with “interesting” children, I’m here to help as a Parenting Coach.

Your next steps:

To find out more about the collaborative divorce process, go to the article on this site or to www.cpcal.com.  


For a comparison of the pro’s and con’s of all of the processes for how to get divorced in California, you might want to attend a Divorce Options Class, offered in San Jose on the third Saturday of every month by Collaborative Practice Silicon Valley www.nocourt.org.


To make an appointment with me, please go to the Contact Section.

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